A United Front
Letters from Spouses
Counsel To a Wife
Dear Julie,
I am so glad to hear that things have improved. I was greatly encouraged by your letter relating how you and Samuel had a long talk and then made love. I am rejoicing with you. I know it must have been difficult for you to take the steps backward and listen and then to step out of your comfort zone and turn the light on to bring him pleasure; but WOW, you did so great! This is overcoming evil with good! Way to go.
I have been following the communications with you and Mike as I am able. (We have four children that live with us--6 yr and 2 1/2 yr old sons and then 4 month old twin girls so that keeps me busy during the day) I noted that you asked if I intervened in any way and I want you to know that I did.
You did not do a wrong thing to ask Samuel to remove the porn movies from your house. It was the right and God honoring thing to do and if Samuel is continuing to sin with these movies in his truck then it is not your fault. You have made steps toward making your home a safe haven and now we must beg God to convict Samuel and to soften his heart to hear the truth that porn is sin and that he needs to repent of any involvement with it. Mike said that he is willing to email Samuel if you think that that he would read it; he could word it as you mentioned that you had been communicating with me, etc. Let me know what you think.
As I said above, I did intervene whenever I found out about Mike's involvement with porn. At first, I hinted and suggested and tip toed around it while talking with Mike. I was afraid to confront him. Mike and I are a second marriage (on both sides), and I was afraid that he would leave me. So, when the hinting didn't work, I went to my pastor. He was very calm about it all and he told me that I needed to lovingly confront Mike and that if I didn't then he would. So, in our next counseling session, our pastor confronted Mike head on about it--in a very loving way, of course. I was so relieved, but I thought I was going to die right there on the spot. I was so afraid that Mike was not going to receive it well. But God was gracious to me and Mike did receive it.
Another way I intervened was to ask Mike to give away his laptop computer because it had been part of his struggle; he did it. Our pastor also had him to take the TV out of his room whenever he went out of town with his job because Mike had struggled with watching porn movies; he did that too. It is clear to me now that God had really softened Mike's heart and readied him to hear the truth. It was not an overnight healing though. It took Mike about a month to truly amputate everything and then it took a few more months for us to stabilize and become strong. With the purity came the power to stand firm and also came the desire to help others out of the trap that nearly destroyed our marriage thus Setting Captives Free was born.
With respect to dealing with your emotions through all this, I'm not going to lie and say that it is easy. It isn't. As Christians we are to respond to the sins of others according to Scripture: loving confrontation, overcoming evil with good, communicating in a biblical fashion., etc... We are not to be resentful, bitter, hateful, accusatory, revengeful...(you get the idea). The only way we can do what is right is to be walking closely with our Lord. We have to take our eyes off of our sinning spouse and fix them on Jesus. We have to place all our hope in Him alone. It isn't that we ignore the sin, but that we refocus our attention and energies. We fight the sin not our spouse. We take our emotions to God in prayer and pour out our souls to Him...He does care and He hears. God is close to the broken hearted and those of a contrite spirit. We must never forget that we too are sinners and just as we cannot immediately stop being angry about our spouses sin so our spouse cannot immediately just stop doing his sin. It is a learning to put off what is wrong and put on what is right.
Don't get caught up in the mental gymnastics of trying to figure it all out...you won't be able to and it wouldn't help you if you could. This is a ploy of the Evil One to divide your marriage even further. I agree with you that Samuel is committing heart adultery if he is viewing porn but it is NOT physical adultery and the two are not the same. Heart adultery is not grounds for divorce whereas physical adultery is. There is a difference though I don't think the hurt is any less or greater between the two. Most men don't think of it this way though. I don't think Mike did until he had been away from it for awhile. Also, remember the words of Jesus on the cross, "Father, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing." Right now, Samuel is in denial and not wanting to admit that he is sinning; and you are in the position of suffering because of Samuel's sins just as Jesus suffered because of your sins and mine. In a way, you are fellowshipping with Christ in His sufferings right now. Finally, you can write to me anytime and share your feelings. I do understand.
Hang in there, Julie. You are doing well, I think. Let me encourage you to begin stabilizing yourself by drawing near to Christ. You are going to need your strength because this is spiritual warfare and not for the faint hearted. You cannot force Samuel to become a godly man, but you can seek the Lord yourself and live a godly life in front of him (see 1 Peter 3 for a description of how to be truly beautiful) and pray that your beauty will draw him away from sin and to Christ.
grace and love to you,
Jody
P.S. I also wanted to tell you how sad I was to read of the death of your only child. My first baby was a full term still born. She was a pretty little girl named Emily with curly brown hair. She would be 7 years old now if she had lived. My daughter died from a cord accident. Do you know why your baby died?
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